January 6, 2011 - Boehner-ific!

john boehner new speaker
Really Short Story: The House of Representatives just got a lot more orange and emotional!
Short Story: It's been 2 months since the Elephant-mascoted half of Congress delivered a shellacking to their donkey-mascoted counterparts, but it finally became official in the House yesterday, when an emotional tan fellow known as John Boehner finally assumed his post of Speaker of the House. As expected, Boehner shed a few of his customary tan-stained tears and the rest of the Republicans acted like giddy schoolgirls, believing that now they can finally take down Barack Obama's Muslim Socialist regime. Of course, we hope the Republicans remember that sometimes mo power means mo problems, and a majority of centrist Americans think a moose-hunting lipstick-wearing Evolution-denying chick from Alaska represents the GOP's real agenda. lou holtz
January 6, 2011: lou holtz Day! - The world's smallest football coach, but I'm not going to be the one to tell him that!
WHY?: Lou Holtz coached 6 college football programs to bowl games during his Hall of Fame career, but we'll forgive you if only remember his time working under Touchdown Jesus at Notre Dame. Now, don't ask me how, but apparently the little fella played linebacker (yes, you read that right) at Kent State University back in 1959. Of course, he then made the smartest decision of his life, when he decided that maybe he should stick on the sidelines and coach football instead of playing. The rest is history, as he went on to a very successful career, especially if you ignore his one season foray into the NFL, where he went 3-10 with the New York Jets.

TOMORROW'S contenders:
dustin diamond - Whether you call him "Screech" or his real name, Dustin Diamond, the guy was just destined to be a huge dork.
nicolas cage - If you think of Nicolas Cage as an actual real-life person instead of just an on-screen persona, it's almost too much to try to comprehend.
katie couric - This successful female news anchor hasn't aged a day sinced she turned 18.
muppets remix kanye
I'm guessing no one is quite as scared of the Muppets as they are of Kanye.
best and worst bottled water
Best being a relative term as the highest grade any bottled water got was a B.
new job for golden voice homeless man
This just goes to prove that if you have a uniquely awesome talent, the internet could be your saving grace.
spilled coffee diverts flight
How do you expect a pilot to fly without a full serving of his favorite cup of coffee?!
marathon mistake
In marathons, running fast is important. Knowing where you are going is pretty important too, though.