January 26, 2011 - And 2011's STATE of the Union is...

state of the union
Really Short Story: A lot of speaking, standing and clapping.
Short Story: In case you missed the President's 61-minute State of the Union address last evening, I will recap it briefly for you. President speaks, Democrats stand/clap, President speaks, Republicans stand/clap, President speaks, both sides reluctantly stand and clap, President speaks, random Congressman yells "You lie!" No, wait, that last part didn't happen this year, but the rest of it did, as it does every year. I won't get into the specifics of the speech, as you can go read endless analysis from all perspectives on any major news media site, or you can just read about the people that hated the speech on Fox News. As for me, I'll just copy this little paragraph away for next year's speech. ellen degeneres
January 26, 2011: ellen degeneres Day! - The most well-known lesbian in the history of the world.
WHY?: Ellen Degeneres is probably the premier non-adult actress lesbian in the history of the United States, which is a shame, because she is smoking hot, or maybe that's just because I want what I can't have. Either way, she is also a hilarious lady, who has gone from the stand-up comedy circuit to her own sitcom (where she officially came out of the closet), to her own hugely successful daytime talk show. She also served as a judge on American Idol briefly, but she probably wouldn't want us to mention that. In reality, her greatest accomplishments may be in her romantic life, where she dated one-time lesbian Anne Heche before eventually marrying Portia de Rossi, meaning, yes, Ellen has dated and married significanly better-looking woman than you could ever hope to even see.

TOMORROW'S contenders:
lil jon - An inexplicably successful and indecipherable rap artist.
cris collinsworth - Almost certainly the creepiest-looking sportscaster of all time.
patton oswalt - This chubby little comedian should have changed his name to Patton Leathershoes.
oprah's half sister
Finding out you are Oprah's half-sister has to be better than winning the lottery...more profitable at least.
oscar nominations
I would have thought Kanye Wesr's Runaway video would run away with all the nominations...shows what I know.
barkley defends cutler
I think it's pretty clear that Charles wants to be the only one who gets to criticize people.
ochocinco back to johnson
Chad Ochocinco/Johnson can't seem to decide between his completely ridiculous made-up last name and his completely average given surname.
double dream hands
I don't know when this was released, but I feel as though my life hadn't completely begun until I finally saw it...believe the hype.