July 13, 2010 - Poppin' a Cap in that Leak!

bp new cap in place
Well, good news for those of you out there that love "the environment," "the oceans," "animals," and other stuff like that. Bad news for those of you that love oil and big corporations, and hate salt-water. It appears that BP has placed a new, tighter cap over the renegade well in the Gulf Coast, which may, repeat: MAY stop all that oil from flowing into the water. It just makes you wonder why they didn't go with this solution in the first place.
cavs owner fined
Talk about adding insult to injury. First, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert loses superstar LeBron James (and a good portion of his net worth along with him,) to Miami over national television. Now he is getting fined by NBA commissioner David Stern for $100,000 for his strongly-worded open letter declaring his, well, lack of admiration, for his former employee. Apparently, what upset Stern most was Gilbert's use of the Comic Sans MS font, which, in 2010, was more embarrassing than the entire "The Decision" TV show itself.
haiti 6 month anniversary
Hello? Anyone remember us down here? We're a little place called Haiti. We share half an island with the Dominican Republic. We had a gigantic earthquake that devastated our already impoverished nation 6 months ago. Everyone reacted immediately. It was great! They even made a major (horrible) tribute video for us. Wyclef used his fake charity for our cause. Then people started forgetting about us. Then BP spilled oil into the ocean. Now, people have really forgotten about us. Well, just a reminder, we are still here, and we haven't exactly recovered yet.
home run derby
Big Papi is back! His win in the Home Run Derby had to be a nice little victory for the Red Sox slugger who had a little fall from grace when it was discovered that he was alleged to be connected with performance-enhancing drug use, and his performance suddenly and, uh, inexplicably? declined. Well, then, uh, I'm sorry, what were we talking about? David Ortiz? Wasn't he one of the guys who used steroids?
new mexico shooting
What is it about disgruntled former employees that seems to lead them down this deadly path? I mean, if you dislike the former employer enough to go on a killing rampage, maybe you would have been happier somewhere else anyways? Either way, I guess it reminds you to keep your employees as gruntled as possible when you let them go.

jim henson of pakistan
I don't know, man, and I mean no offense to Pakistan, but from the looks of things, I can't imagine these puppets are half as entertaining as Kermit the Frog.

lowest paying jobs
If you can't name the 8 lowest-paying jobs without looking at this article, chances are you probably work one of them. Not that there is anything wrong with that…

whoopi says mels not racist
Forget all the evidence. Whoopi Goldberg says that Mel Gibson is not racist, and why would you not believe a black jew named Whoopi about something like that?
guy tries to steal world cup
Oh, so close. As seriously as people take the World Cup, I think this guy should just consider himself lucky that he was sniped when he got within 50 feet of the trophy.
woman beats man with frying pan
What are the odds this woman was watching some old school cartoons right before the incident in question took place?

Speaking of disgruntled employees. This one should, uh, "entertain" your co-workers for hours. Just make it talk any time one of them annoys you. I'm sure that will straighten things out right away.