April 21, 2010 - Taking It To The Banks!

What is EVERYONE talking about?!?

(The day's hottest topics, of course...)

Mid-Day Update: Facebook is unveiling some BIG changes, which is bad news for Facebook, because if there is one thing people hate more than changes in government, it's changes to their social media! Also, Muslims now hate South Park, and today is both Earth Day and National Administrative Professionals Day, so be nice to the world and your secretary, or, uh, administrative professional, today.

1. bank investigations

The best things in life are free...but you can get some really cool stuff with money, which should explain why all these banks were putting together all these investments that, in retrospect, don't seem so, uh, legal. It also explains why so many people were willing to blindly invest in them. When you can get 20% returns on your money, you don't ask questions, you just start figuring out what you are going to buy with all those unrealized gains. Maybe a new house?

2. volcano economy

Is anyone else getting tired of this volcano? I guess all those people still stuck in airports are probably getting a little tired of it...but you know who isn't? The news. I mean, I guess I can't blame them. The volcano is named Eyjafjallajokull, which is really cool, and it is providing some awesome photo ops. Well, the good news for volcano-lovers is that the last time Eyjafjallajokull erupted in 1821, it kept erupting on and off for 13 months, and that could really have a negative impact on the European economy, meaning this thing could be headline news for quite a while. It should all be ending right around the time people start figuring out how to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull.

3. obama hecklers

President Obama was in California yesterday at a rally for Senator Barbara Boxer, when he came under fire from some hecklers in the crowd who interrupted his speech. What were they heckling him about? His socialist regime? His Kenyan citizenship? His Muslim background? None of the above...it turns out it was just a few gay dudes who want to join the army, and just want Barack to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Obama said he would get around to it, but sometimes things come up, like backyard HORSE contests with Clark Kellogg.

4. nfl schedule

The NFL schedule came out yesterday, meaning Ben Roethlisberger was able to call up all his ladies across the country, and let them know when he will be in town next. Now, if these girls were smart, they will also be contacting lawyers and scheduling some time off immediately after Big Ben's visit for potential court appearances...you know, just in case. However, I guess that would be making a really big assumption...

5. supreme court animal cruelty

The Supreme Court was caught yesterday organizing a dogfight in their chambers...no, wait, that's not the story at all. The Supreme Court did rule yesterday, however, that it is not illegal to sell videos containing depictions of animal cruelty. (NO ANIMAL CRUELTY LINKS...) Animal rights activists were strangely not all that upset, as they will now push Congress for a more targeted law. The big loser in this ruling is Michael Vick, who said he was never aware that he could have sold videos of his dogfights without going to jail for it.

6. apple gizmodo

The controversial unveiling of the new iPhone 4G prototype is still all the talk in the tech world, which is really strange because we haven't heard much from Apple lately. Apple also released their earnings yesterday (they made money) and a story broke that someone was so desperate to steal an iPad that they ripped somebody's finger off along with their iPad. Talk about adding insult to injury, or I guess injury to insult?...although, apparently the guy was so upset about the iPad, he didn't realize the finger was missing for at least 4-5 hours.

7. oil rig explosion

At least 11 people were missing after an offshore drilling oil rig explosion this morning in the Gulf of Mexico. Most of the 126 people on the rig escaped safely, but the fire is still burning and there is no estimate on when it will be put out. Sarah Palin issued her reaction to the story, and said she was unaware that oil was so flammable. She also said, "You betcha."

8. juan antonio samaranch

Juan Antonio Samaranch, former leader of the International Olympic Committee, died this morning after years of battling the effects of aging and oldness. Since he is now effectively recently deceased, Samaranch should now be remembered for leading the IOC through a time of crisis, and people will conveniently ignore the fact that Samaranch was in charge of the IOC during the corruption in the bidding process for the Salt Lake City games. 

9. gambino crime family

Fourteen alleged members of the Gambino crime family have been indicted on a variety of mafia-type charges including murder, racketeering and making people sleep with the fishies. The only evidence that anyone has against these 14 is the fact that they are connected with something called the Gambino crime family, so they were probably into crime.

10. colorado rockies president death

Colorado Rockies president, 48 year-old Keli McGregor, was found dead in his hotel room yesterday. The cause of death is still unknown, but foul play is not suspected. Unlike Juan Antonio Samaranch, age is not a suspect in this death, making it, actually, quite a sad story.

Drop that FRESH knowledge!

(These topics are getting hot...)

1. 7-eleven beer

Good news for all you really cheap, really horrible beer connoisseurs out there: 7-Eleven is now selling their very own homemade beer!

2. teens cell phones
So, apparently, a lot of teens use cell phones, and like to send text messages? Really, that's the whole story here?

3. guru gangstarr
Guru, of the 90's rap group Gang Starr, has died at the age of 47 after battling cancer and suffering a heart attack in February...and so, the group of rappers living into their 50's remains limited.