April 12, 2010 - He's Got A Masters...in Upstaging

What is EVERYONE talking about?!?
(The day's hottest topics, of course...)

 As first reported somewhere else, Conan O'Brien will return to late-night television this fall with a new show on, wait a second this can't be right...TBS??? Maybe they meant TBD? Everyone knows who runs the show over at TBS already.

1. phil mickelson
Are you serious? Phil, did you not get the memo? You weren't the guy who was supposed to overcome personal adversity to win yet another green jacket. Although, if you think about it, I guess a wife overcoming breast cancer is more admirable and heartwarming than overcoming the fact that your husband cheated on you approximately 112 times in a 2-year span.

While the US mourns the unsuccessful comeback attempt of a national hero from sex rehab in a sport primarily for the privileged, the entire country of Poland is still reeling from the 1970's-Marshall-football-team-style loss of essentially their entire government on Saturday. The Polish leaders including, most notably, the President, were headed to commemorate another national tragedy that is, for what it's worth, now much more well-known.

President Obama and several other of the world's most powerful leaders gather in Washington, DC this weekend to discuss the threat of "loose nukes," which, contrary to my original interpretation, has to do with nuclear terrorism. I imagine they will spend most of their time watching end-of-days movies like Armageddon, Independence Day, or more traditional Arnold-defeats-foreign-terrorists movies like True Lies.

I really thought this was Jimmy Carter's wife when I first saw the headline. However, further research proved that she was a star, alongside the incomparable Delta Burke and Meshach Taylor, in Designing Women, and married to that one old guy with the really cool face. Any ways, we hardly knew ye, Dixie. Literally, we hardly knew ye.

The Dallas Cowboys had plenty of great moments in old Texas Stadium, but it turns out the new Cowboy Stadium is working so well for Jerry Jones, Tony Romo and the rest of the Dallas Cowboys that they decided to just implode their old stadium. It was either that, or wait for a Texas-sized storm to knock it down.

Derrick Coleman, former Syracuse standout and #1 NBA draft pick, and long-time malcontent, is finally back in the spotlight. Turns out he is bankrupt. Now, before you judge, to be fair, I'm sure you have no idea how easy it is to blow through $87 million in career earnings. 

As the GOP prepares to filibuster review any potential Supreme Court nomination made by Barack Obama, the group's leader Michael Steele is facing a firestorm of controversy for a list of, uh, I guess, questionable decisions by the Republican National Committee lately. In his defense, as an African-American in this country, it is much easier to become the world's #1 golfer or win the presidency than it is to be a Republican.

Much to the relief of Elin Woods, her children and the general public, Jim Carrey, fresh off two divorces and one highly publicized breakup, has finally broken his silence on the Tiger Woods drama. The actual content of what he said is not really quite as important as the fact that he said it.  

9. tina fey justin beiber
Whoa, whoa, don't get carried away. These two are as wholesome as they get in Hollywood these days. Fey, co-star of the new #1 movie in the country, was hosting her old, formerly successful show this weekend and the world's most semi-possibly-famous 16 year-old was the musical guest. That's all.

10. high-alcohol european beer
Finally, with all that is happening across the world this weekend, the #1 most popular story on Time Magazine's website is, of course, that a 32% beer made in Europe will be introduced in the US very soon. The beer, called Tactical Nuclear Penguin, and brewed by the Scottish microbrewery BrewDog, is expected (by me) to be very popular amongst homeless people and college students. You can check the company's website for more info, but it obviously allegedly contains : "simulated penguin sex," so consider yourself warned.

Drop that FRESH knowledge!
(These topics are getting hot...)
1. roland martin confederate terrorists
Who is Roland Martin to judge a war that happened almost 150 years ago? If people want to defend the failed attempt to continue slavery in this country, then...wait, wait, really? Maybe Roland is right. 
2. worst cars on the road
The Toyota Corolla didn't even make this list, and that car doesn't even come with brakes, so you know these cars must not perform so well!
3. barry bonds mark mcgwire
Barry Bonds is proud of Mark McGwire for admitting that he used steroids. Now Barry can claim his fame as the only clean member of the 70-home run club, right?


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