May 19, 2010 - The Kentucky Tea Party!

Today's BIG news!
1. rand paul kentucky gop
It was, as predicted, a bad day for the incumbents and other, no, I'm sorry...lame-stream politicians yesterday. Incumbent Arlen Specter lost his seat in Pennsylvania, and Tea Party candidate Rand Paul won the GOP primary in the great state of Kentucky. Paul did not mince words during his victory speech, as he said it was time to take our country back. Which makes you wonder, wait, wait, who has our country anyways...give it back!
2. wizards nba john wall lottery
The hard-luck Washington Wizards recently lost their insane oft-injured superstar to jail/suspension on firearms charges, so it was a nice surprise to see them win the NBA's Draft Lottery last evening. They now have the chance to draft Kentucky superstar John Wall, who could be the finest Wizard below drinking age since Harry Potter.
3. thai army attacks protester camp
Looks like the party is almost over for all those Thai anti-government Red Shirt protesters, as the Thai army moved in on their encampments by breaking through their barricades yesterday. Although, to be fair, this has to be one of the worst parties in history, with a death and injury toll that rises every day.
4. un sanctions on iran
The UN took up various sanctions on Iran as proposed by China, Russia, and most importanly, the stunningly beautiful Hillary Clinton and the United States yesterday. It is now expected that Iranian president Ahmadinejad will discontinue his nuclear programs immediately as a result of the sanctions...well, that or he will use this as motivation to try even harder to make nuclear stuff.
5. hanley ramirez hustle controversy
A baseball controversy is brewing in Miami, where Marlins superstar Hanley Ramirez was benched after it appeared he did not hustle out a play on defense on Monday night. Ramirez escalated the controversy by refusing to apologize to his teammates, at his managers request, for the lack of hustle. Upset Marlins fans headed to the beach, and soon forgot about the whole thing.

Now drop that FRESH knowledge!
1. zimbabwe noah's ark north korea
This doesn't sound all that bad to me. A ruthless dictator rounding up several exotic jungle animals and sending them to a country known for their routine human rights violations. What could possibly go wrong?
2. baseball player damages broadcaster's car
Mat Latos said he was just firing a ball into the stands for the fans. Somehow, the ball ended up in the player's parking lot where it did some damage to the Giant's broadcaster's car. Sounds to me like maybe it's better that the ball didn't end up hitting the intended fan.
3. bristol palin speaking fees
Need a quick $30,000? Have your mom become governor of a remote Northern state, where she will miraculously rise to fame...then, you just get knocked up, and demand outrageous fees to tour the nation talking about abstinence. Or you could just pray that the money shows up outside your door tomorrow morning. That might be your better bet. celebrities will age
Want to know how your favorite celebrity will age, and can't wait 20 years or so to find out? Here are some bold predictions from a renowned plastic surgeon.
5. alabama bad geometry teacher
An Alabama teacher used an assassination attempt on Barack Obama as an example to teach some geometry. Hey, this isn't the craziest politics-related incident in Alabama in the last couple weeks.

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